The human race is in grave ­danger. Thousands of people are showing severe symptoms already and there is no known cure.

No, not coronavirus, but sheer bloody stupidity.

Never have so many brain cells been sacrificed on the altar of toilet paper fever. Come on people, what is that about?

Why, when you’re warned you may get a (for most folk, mild) respiratory tract infection do you instantly think what you really need in your life is industrial ­supplies of bog roll?

On what planet does that even begin to make sense? (Okay, possibly Uranus). It’s not as if our sexy new version of flu gives you a runny nose. It’s mainly a dry cough and fever.

The only reason you may need that much Andrex is because you’ve stockpiled baked beans and tinned prunes too. Which is probably highly likely….

Be seeing you

Three women have been filmed in a remarkable fist fight over toilet paper