MCViewPoint

Opinion from a Libertarian ViewPoint

Posts Tagged ‘Babylon Bee’

Half-Black Man Ordered To Pay Himself Reparations

Posted by M. C. on June 10, 2021

https://babylonbee.com/news/half-black-man-ordered-to-pay-himself-reparations

SAN JOSE, CA—Local half-white, half-black man Michael Preston has been ordered to pay himself reparations since half his ancestors were oppressed and half were oppressors.

“Wait — what?” he said after he received a letter from Governor Gavin Newsom’s office informing him he owed himself over $25,000. “Uh… OK? I guess?” He then went down to the bank and ordered a transfer to himself. He was a little short of the total amount so he made it in installments, sending himself several payments totaling the $25,000 amount he owes himself for his ancestors oppressing his other ancestors.

“We’d like to thank Mr. Preston for atoning for the guilt of his ancestors,” said Governor Newsom. “Because of them, he has a unique place of privilege in life and has had a leg up on his fellow citizens, who are oppressed because of things that happened hundreds of years ago. Today, he has made that right. Well, until we ask for more reparations later. Frankly, it’s never going to stop.”

“We’d also like to congratulate Mr. Preston for receiving the reparations long overdue to his ancestors today,” said Governor Newsom. “Because of what happened to them, he is in a unique place of oppression in life and has never been able to get ahead of his fellow citizens, who are far more privileged than him because of things that happened hundreds of years ago. Today, that wrong has been righted. Well, until we send him more reparations later. Frankly, it’s never going to stop.”

Preston has said he’ll pay whatever to himself going forward as long as the state just leaves him alone and lets him live his life.

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In Major Deal, The Babylon Bee Purchases Competing Satire Site CNN

Posted by M. C. on May 26, 2021

https://babylonbee.com/news/the-babylon-bee-purchases-competing-satire-site-cnn-for-12-billion

U.S.—The Babylon Bee has been the world’s best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren’t quite as good.

The Bee announced a new acquisition this week, one that immediately made it the largest satirical site on the planet: a purchase of competing satire outlet CNN for $12 billion. The move more than quadrupled the site’s catalog of hilarious, satirical articles.

“We’ve long admired CNN’s ability to parody leftist media organizations so effortlessly, and we’re thrilled to have them under The Babylon Bee’s umbrella,” said site CEO Seth Dillon. “When you can’t compete with hilarious satire like CNN, you obviously look for ways to get them on your team, and an acquisition seemed to make the most sense.”

The new conglomerate organization will be called BNN. CNN writers and hosts will be instructed to simply keep doing what they’re doing.

“We don’t want them to change anything since you don’t try to fix satirical content that’s already incredible,” Dillon said. “They’ll just keep churning out incredibly skewed content in order to satirize the leftist media’s inability to report anything without bias or prejudice.” 

Brian Stelter will produce satirical videos for The Babylon Bee, moving the site into the realm of video content for the first time. Again, though, his show’s content will remain unchanged.

CNN will also benefit, as their content will now be clearly labeled satire, protecting them from getting sued to high heaven for their skewed coverage.

Site founder Adam Ford was against the move, but nobody listens to him anymore.

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Man Waits To Form Opinion On All Major Issues Until Corporate Brands Weigh In

Posted by M. C. on February 27, 2021

https://babylonbee.com/news/man-waits-to-form-opinion-on-all-major-issues-until-corporate-brands-weigh-in

CHINO, CA—Local man Brad Zwygart says he no longer can form opinions of his own, as he always waits to see what major corporate brands have to say on any given issue before he decides what he believes.

Zwygart says he holds off on all thought-forming activity when first encountered with an issue. His first stop? Social media, so he can see what all the billion-dollar corporations believe, since they’re clearly moral authorities on all major issues.

“I’m not sure what to believe about the trans movement. Let’s see what Oreo has to say,” he said yesterday as he pulled out his smartphone. “Oh, lookie here — trans people exist. Perfect!” He then checked other corporate brand accounts out to find out what he should believe about gun control, BLM, the minimum wage, and the Equality Act.

“Perfect. So much great corporate knowledge on here. Thanks, corporate brands!”

The man then put his phone away and took a sip of coffee, smiling as he looked out the window, content in the knowledge that he believed exactly what all the major U.S. corporations believe on everything.

At publishing time, Zwygart had begun refreshing Arby’s Twitter feed to see what they had to say about the bombing of Syria.

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Take The Babylon Bee’s Anti-Racism Corporate Training

Posted by M. C. on February 24, 2021

https://babylonbee.com/news/take-the-babylon-bees-anti-racism-corporate-training

There are many anti-racism corporate training presentations out there, but it’s hard to know which one to use for your business. You want one that doesn’t take too much company time and yet distills all the information your people need to know to be anti-racist into a brief, memorable presentation.

Well, look no further. The Babylon Bee’s anti-racism corporate training is here. We’re so good at being anti-racist, in fact, that we’ve managed to condense everything we know about fighting racism into one slide. You can complete our course in seconds.

Pour yourself a cup of coffee and prepare to become an anti-racist:

Congratulations! You’re an anti-racist!

Feel free to use this helpful presentation for your business. Together we can fight dangerous racist ideas.

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The Babylon Bee’s List Of Updated Terms For Journalists, Now That Biden Is President

Posted by M. C. on February 5, 2021

https://babylonbee.com/news/the-babylon-bees-list-of-updated-terms-for-journalists-now-that-biden-is-president

The nightmare is over! Now that the evil racist dictator Trump has been removed from office by the power of democracy and a 30,000-man standing army, journalists can now resume their normal routines of napping on the job and writing about ice cream. 

But the last 4 years have taken their toll. Journalists have been using over-the-top hyperbole to heroically remove the president for a long time now. We here at The Babylon Bee want to remind journalists to STOP using the terms you have been using for 4 years, now that a compassionate and wise leader like President Biden is in office!

As a handy guide, here is a list of terms you have likely been using, and what you should replace them with now that our President Biden is here to make everything ok.

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Man Driving Alone In Carpool Lane Informs Officer His Preferred Pronoun Is ‘They’ | The Babylon Bee

Posted by M. C. on January 5, 2021

https://babylonbee.com/news/driver-allowed-access-to-carpool-lane-since-preferred-pronoun-is-they

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Nation’s Nerds Wake Up In Utopia Where Everyone Stays Inside, Sports Are Canceled, Social Interaction Forbidden | The Babylon Bee

Posted by M. C. on March 15, 2020

https://babylonbee.com/news/nations-nerds-wake-up-in-utopia-where-everyone-stays-inside-sports-canceled-social-interaction-forbidden

U.S.—The nation’s nerds woke up in a utopia this morning, one where everyone stays inside, sporting events are being canceled, and all social interaction is forbidden.

All types of nerds, from social introverts to hardcore PC gamers, welcomed the dawn of this new era, privately from their own homes.

“I have been waiting my whole life for this moment,” said Ned Pendleton, 32 — via text message, of course — as he fired up League of Legends on his beefy gaming PC. “They told me to take up a sport and that the kids playing basketball and stuff were gonna be way more successful than us nerds who played Counter-Strike at LAN parties every weekend.”

“They all laughed at me. Well, who’s laughing now?”

To prepare for the onslaught of the deadly disease, nerds are changing absolutely nothing and are expected to rise up to rule the post-Coronavirus society, as they are the ones best adjusted to being sheltered in a basement, garage, or room for many days at a time marathoning HaloHalf-Life, The Legend of ZeldaRed Dead Redemption, or Horizon Zero Dawn. They’re also ready for any post-apocalyptic wasteland, as they’ve played many, many hours of Fallout and are adept at killing bloatflies and collecting bottlecaps.

Of course, many nerds are running out of hygienic products, but they say that’s “not an issue.”

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John Bolton Can’t Believe He Left White House Just Before War With Iran

Posted by M. C. on January 5, 2020

More fun from Babylon Bee. Likely close to the truth.

https://babylonbee.com/news/john-bolton-cant-believe-he-quit-just-before-war-with-iran

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources close to the former national security adviser, a teary-eyed John Bolton wept in great pain and anguish that he left the Trump administration just before the war with Iran broke out.

“Wait — what!?!” he had screamed as he saw that Trump had ordered a missile strike on Qasam Soleimani. “No… no… it can’t be true… it just can’t!”

“After all my years of service, we decide to go to war with Iran NOW!?!” Bolton flew into a rage, attempting to throw objects at the television. But not being strong enough to pick up the objects himself, and not wanting to get hurt, he ordered an aide to throw the objects on his behalf.

Finally, once the television was good and destroyed, Bolton moved on with the grieving process, going into bargaining (“God, I’ll devote my life to you if you just let me attack Iran”), depression (“What’s the point? World peace is inevitable”), and finally, acceptance.

“At least we’re still gonna have a war, even if I missed out on my chance to partake,” he said as an aide patted his back to comfort him.

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