CANARY ISLANDS — Dr. Anthony Fauci announced today that he has achieved a remarkable breakthrough in gain-of-function research at his mobile laboratory aboard a cruise ship.
Fauci reportedly is working on using rats as vectors for a different sort of virus, and the early results for transmissibility are extremely promising.
“I’m extremely pleased with what we’re seeing on the ship,” said Fauci. “We are just now receiving the first round of data from the subjects we dropped off in Europe, and it’s really quite impressive. The mutations we have programmed are causing outstanding infection rates and tissue penetration. The potential for morbidity and mortality might put COVID to shame. I’m really hopeful.”
According to guests aboard the ship, the nature of the floating laboratory has come as a surprise. “At first we thought the crew-wide hazmat suits were just a fun pirate theme,” said Linda Carpenter while quarantined inside a windowless interior cabin. “Then they locked the shuffleboard deck and started referring to us by specimen numbers. Oh, and then came the rats. It’s getting unnerving.”
At publishing time, Pfizer had announced a new hantavirus vaccine that would be ready in just six months.
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